I Gave Myself Chocolate

I gave myself chocolate today

not out of indulgence,

but out of necessity.

Because my heart has been wandering

through corridors of unanswered affection,

knocking on doors

that never opened long enough

for me to enter.

I sat across from myself

and asked the question

I have avoided for years:

What if no one ever comes?

The silence did not lie.

I have yearned

God, how I have yearned

for that singular miracle

of being chosen

without persuasion,

without performance,

without proving I deserve to exist.

But yearning has returned to me

like an echo in an empty cathedral

magnificent,

and unbearably hollow.

I sought love sincerely,

with unclenched hands

and unguarded hope.

Yet I met rejection

in its many disguises:

polite dismissal,

careless neglect,

and sometimes

words so cruel

they still live under my skin

like splinters time refuses to remove.

There are insults

that rearrange your reflection.

There are disappointments

that teach your heart

to whisper instead of sing.

So fear grew.

Not dramatic fear

but the quiet, intelligent kind

that says:

Stop looking.

Protect what remains.

You cannot bleed forever.

And I listened.

Part of me no longer wants to search.

Hope has become exhausting.

Expectation feels dangerous.

Because every attempt

has cost something

dignity, confidence,

a small fragment of innocence.

And yet…

I am still here.

Still breathing

through the ache of absence.

Still carrying a heart

that refuses extinction.

So today,

I bought chocolate.

A simple act.

A sacred act.

I unwrapped it slowly,

as though I were opening

a gift from someone

who finally understood me.

And then I realized

I was.

I celebrated myself today.

For surviving loneliness

that could have hardened me.

For enduring loveless seasons

without becoming bitter.

For continuing to wake up

when sadness asked me not to.

For loving myself

when no one else volunteered.

Yes, I still long to be loved.

That truth trembles inside me

like a fragile flame.

I still wonder

what it would feel like

to belong to someone

who is not afraid to stay.

And sometimes

I fear

I may never know.

But today

I chose something radical:

I chose me.

I tasted sweetness

and allowed it to mean

that my existence

is already worthy of tenderness.

So if love never arrives

the way I imagined

I will not collapse.

Because I have learned

to sit with myself,

to comfort myself,

to remain.

Today,

I gave myself chocolate

and in that quiet moment

of self-recognition,

I discovered

I am not as alone

as I thought.